The Man Who Would Be "King" Gets a Life Coach

"Mr. James, so nice to meet you. Please step right in, have a seat...no, no, not there, that's my chair. The couch? Sure, and please, lie down if that relaxes you.

"And no, I won't call you King."

"Lebron, I can call you Le- Oh...OK, uh well then, Mr. James...I assume the sting of that last game has worn down. I won't attempt to delve into why you did what you did, but the purpose of our sessions will to help you discover why you are perceived as well, such a, uh, well...jerk by just about everyone north of the Everglades.

"For this session I have revised a list that I used with a former client of mine, Ron Artest. He had some anger management issues that we have under control, I think, but the direction I gave him should benefit you as well; it's a handy list that I like to call, 'Five Things Not to Do to Come Across Like a Total A-Hole.' 

"Woah now...please sit down and listen, Mr. James...it is for your own good, trust me...I'm a doctor.

"Hey, how am I doin'?"

"OK, first item: DO NOT hold a nationally televised interview to announce you will dump on a city that worshipped you for seven years. For reasons that you may not have understood, the Cleveland fans didn't really want to get all hyped up and then trashed upon. It upset them and it made you look like an ego-centric, ungracious, selfish pig. If you wanted to go to Miami, just hold a quick press conference, thank the fans for all their support and get the hell out of Dodge...but don't, I repeat, don't hold a 30 minute interview that will lead up to a decision like this one.

"You think that's funny...
wait 'til you hear this prediction!"

"Second, don't predict multiple championships when you haven't won even one yet. You see, Mr. James, there is an old expression that noted sports thespian and pitcher, Dizzy Dean used to make, 'It ain't braggin' if you done it.' So, when you pronounced, in front of all those Miami fans and the entire sports world, that you and your mercenary chums were planning to pillage the NBA out of  multiple championships...well, it came across as just plain bragging. See...you hadn't won ANYTHING yet. NADA.

Mr. Humble?

"Third, act humble, at least until you don't have to.  I would advise you to stay humble even if you do win a championship. Some don't care for the arrogance of Muhammad Ali or Reggie Jackson or Kobe Bryant, but, they won and could back up cockiness with results. Can't argue with that. So, if you cannot contain yourself, when and if you get that championship, and have to predict more...at least you'll be perceived as overly confident.

"No, no wait (sniff), I got this (cough) nutty idea..."

"Fourth, don't lampoon a key opponent, who is very, very good, when he is playing sick and your team is down a game. Mr. James, have you ever heard the expression, 'don't poke the sleeping bear?' No? Well, see...if the player really WAS sick, he has even more incentive to play better and to kick your ass in six games, not seven. Also, no one looks good mocking the sick.

"I have news...
I could buy or sell all of you"

"Fifth, when you do lose a critical game, do NOT...I repeat, do NOT imply that the outcome of the game itself is secondary to your earnings and that because of this, your life is somehow superior to a majority of the United States population. You may THINK your life is better, but in no way can you say or imply this. Many people are pretty happy with their lives, Mr. James and don't really need an entourage of six do nothings that tell them how great they are and laugh at all their lame jokes.

"Ahhh...we are running short of time, Mr. James. But, you have much to absorb and I want to give you an assignment for next week. I want you to memorize the following lines; we'll practice the many instances in which you can use them. Here we go...

"'I have a long way to go before I can expect to be mentioned in the same breath as Magic, Michael, Bill Russell, and others...those guys won championships.'


"'If it weren't for the fans, we wouldn't even be here.'


"'That was a total team effort.'


"'I have the utmost respect for (fill in the blank), that team can play.'

"These will help you in the future, Mr. James...but, this requires a total commitment on your part...What? You'll be late next week? You have a fitting for a new crown?

"Better be for a tooth, Mr. James or we have a long, long way to go..."

You Can't Hide Those Lyin' (Buck)Eyes

The American sports fan, in general, has a great capacity to forgive its athletes for crimes committed, rules broken, and stupidity displayed. This same fan is much less forgiving, however, when the athlete (or coach, in this case) has lied...and lied in a big way.

Fans can handle admitted mistakes and/or human frailties in their athletes. Got a flaw? Great, I got a few dozen...now you seem real and maybe just a little more like me. OK, admit you were wrong and then go back to hitting ropes and winning games...we'll get through this.

However, fans have little tolerance for being taken for fools. You mean when you stood in front of me and a millions of others pleading for us to believe you when you said you had not taken performance enhancing drugs or anything else...but you really had? You want us to forgive you and move on? No so fast there, Poncho...

Can I at least keep the vest?

People won't let Marion Jones or Barry Bonds or Ben Johnson off so easily. Nothing irks us like bold-faced lying.

Likewise, it will take a long, long time for college football fans in general and Ohio State fans in particular, to forgive Jim Tressel; not so much for his players' selling merchandise, getting new car access, smoking dope, etc, but for the cover up and subsequent lying. And once his lying was revealed, every past misdeed by the man they used to call "The Senator" (perhaps an apropos moniker after all?) will find its way into the press. Just wait.

If you have any doubt about this, I would like to submit exhibits A, B, and C: Michael Vick, Mike Tyson, and Ben Roethlisberger.

If these pants could, ah, talk...oh my

One of the most lovable knuckleheads of all-time may just be John Daly. The guy is a smoking, gambling, alcohol and caffeine chugging machine with legions of adoring fans who flock to his Hootermobile for t-shirts, cold beers, and impromptu topless reviews. His stable of ex-wives is fast approaching that of Johnny Carson's and he has more admitted vices than Keith Richards (more, not deeper). And yet, Long John Daly is honest to a fault, by God, so we'll continue to take back his big ol' sweaty smokin' self and root for him to "grip it and rip it."

Sports fans, and the public, will forgive a lapse in judgment if the defendant comes clean, "I didn't see the stairs behind him/her when I pushed that son of a b#tch/bi#ch." We can accept it when our stars are the victim of an uncontrollable bad habit, "I can only ask that my fans, my teammates, and the public forgive me, I am addicted to sex/cocaine/video games." Face the music and we'll let you play on.

The time it takes for the public to forgive and forget does correlate to the severity of the crime, but I would submit that the public will forgive an athlete who admits to having committed just about any crime (except for ones in which they take another's life) a lot faster than those athletes who willingly and repeatedly lie.

Damn! It just don't fit!

Never Forgiven

• Murdering one's wife/wife's friend/fellow man - Rae Carruth, OJ Simpson (allegedly)
• Driving over and killing someone while legally intoxicated - Will Allen
• Knowingly fixing the game's outcome so that God-fearing Americans who legally (and illegally) gamble on NBA games will lose - Tim Donaghy

Eventually forgiven by some, maybe

No hablo English

• Not admitting to knowingly taking performance enhancing drugs to gain competitive advantage unless all the evidence points (or will point) to no other conclusion -  Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Marion Jones, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens (allegedly), Lance Armstrong (allegedly)

After paying one's debt to society; forgiven my most, but not by all

That Kerrigan is such a bitch!

• Running an organized dog fighting ring - Mike Vick
• Raping a beauty queen contestant while judging the competition - Mike Tyson
• Hiring someone to inflict harm upon an opponent to better your chances of making the Olympics Team - Tonya Harding 
• Driving drunk when you make enough to pay for two drivers - athletes too numerous to mention
• Gambling on your own sport - Pete Rose, Paul Hornung, Alex Karras, Denny McLain
• Shooting oneself in leg while smuggling a concealed handgun - Plaxico Burress

After all the facts have been revealed, most will forgive and forget

I was right! The bus is faster!

• Admitting to taking performance enhancing drugs to gain competitive advantage - Jose Canseco, Floyd Landis, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, Andy Pettite, 
• Attacking two different females, bordering on rape - Ben Roethlisberger (allegedly)
• Knowingly breaking rules to gain advantage - Gaylord Perry, Albert Belle & Sammy Sosa (corked bad, not steroids), Danny Almonte, Rosie Ruiz 
• Sucker punching and breaking multiple facial bones of an opponent in a college basketball game - Dave Winfield
• Engaging in multiple cases of infidelity leading to multiple offspring (children by women) - Calvin Murphy (14 by 9); Shawn Kemp (7 by 6); Evander Holyfield (9)
• Making clear-headed, but ignorant racist quote - John Rocker, Al Campanis
• Biting off part of the ear of an opponent who has nine illegitimate kids - Mike Tyson
• Admitting addiction to a drug that detracts from performance - Keith Hernandez, Steve Howe, Josh Hamilton, John Daly, Daryl Strawberry, Len Bias
• Committing serious infidelity despite a seriously hot wife - Tiger Woods
• Committing old fashioned sports star road trip infidelity - Wade Boggs, Barry Bonds, Mickey Mantle, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson
• Making ignorant, alcohol-induced racist quote - Fuzzy Zoeller
• Gambling so much one has to declare personal bankruptcy/reload - Antoine Walker, John Daly, Art Schlichter
• Placing fun, but serious money bets - Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, Phil Mickelson
• Unknowingly ingesting a performance enhancing drug leading to victory - Dancer's Image



Mmm...tastes like chicken

I want my chicken fried, just like...

This list is far from complete and the order is purely subjective. Ironically, the public may forgive and cheer for a convicted felon if he fesses up faster than a player who lies about a corked bat; we just don't tolerate someone who stands in front of us and offers up a stone cold lie.

Time will tell how sports fans judge Jim Tressel and where his misstep(s) rank. I suspect he will be stalking the sidelines of a football team in the future, likely as a position coach, but it won't be anytime too soon.