The Man Who Would Be "King" Gets a Life Coach

"Mr. James, so nice to meet you. Please step right in, have a seat...no, no, not there, that's my chair. The couch? Sure, and please, lie down if that relaxes you.

"And no, I won't call you King."

"Lebron, I can call you Le- Oh...OK, uh well then, Mr. James...I assume the sting of that last game has worn down. I won't attempt to delve into why you did what you did, but the purpose of our sessions will to help you discover why you are perceived as well, such a, uh, well...jerk by just about everyone north of the Everglades.

"For this session I have revised a list that I used with a former client of mine, Ron Artest. He had some anger management issues that we have under control, I think, but the direction I gave him should benefit you as well; it's a handy list that I like to call, 'Five Things Not to Do to Come Across Like a Total A-Hole.' 

"Woah now...please sit down and listen, Mr. James...it is for your own good, trust me...I'm a doctor.

"Hey, how am I doin'?"

"OK, first item: DO NOT hold a nationally televised interview to announce you will dump on a city that worshipped you for seven years. For reasons that you may not have understood, the Cleveland fans didn't really want to get all hyped up and then trashed upon. It upset them and it made you look like an ego-centric, ungracious, selfish pig. If you wanted to go to Miami, just hold a quick press conference, thank the fans for all their support and get the hell out of Dodge...but don't, I repeat, don't hold a 30 minute interview that will lead up to a decision like this one.

"You think that's funny...
wait 'til you hear this prediction!"

"Second, don't predict multiple championships when you haven't won even one yet. You see, Mr. James, there is an old expression that noted sports thespian and pitcher, Dizzy Dean used to make, 'It ain't braggin' if you done it.' So, when you pronounced, in front of all those Miami fans and the entire sports world, that you and your mercenary chums were planning to pillage the NBA out of  multiple championships...well, it came across as just plain bragging. See...you hadn't won ANYTHING yet. NADA.

Mr. Humble?

"Third, act humble, at least until you don't have to.  I would advise you to stay humble even if you do win a championship. Some don't care for the arrogance of Muhammad Ali or Reggie Jackson or Kobe Bryant, but, they won and could back up cockiness with results. Can't argue with that. So, if you cannot contain yourself, when and if you get that championship, and have to predict more...at least you'll be perceived as overly confident.

"No, no wait (sniff), I got this (cough) nutty idea..."

"Fourth, don't lampoon a key opponent, who is very, very good, when he is playing sick and your team is down a game. Mr. James, have you ever heard the expression, 'don't poke the sleeping bear?' No? Well, see...if the player really WAS sick, he has even more incentive to play better and to kick your ass in six games, not seven. Also, no one looks good mocking the sick.

"I have news...
I could buy or sell all of you"

"Fifth, when you do lose a critical game, do NOT...I repeat, do NOT imply that the outcome of the game itself is secondary to your earnings and that because of this, your life is somehow superior to a majority of the United States population. You may THINK your life is better, but in no way can you say or imply this. Many people are pretty happy with their lives, Mr. James and don't really need an entourage of six do nothings that tell them how great they are and laugh at all their lame jokes.

"Ahhh...we are running short of time, Mr. James. But, you have much to absorb and I want to give you an assignment for next week. I want you to memorize the following lines; we'll practice the many instances in which you can use them. Here we go...

"'I have a long way to go before I can expect to be mentioned in the same breath as Magic, Michael, Bill Russell, and others...those guys won championships.'


"'If it weren't for the fans, we wouldn't even be here.'


"'That was a total team effort.'


"'I have the utmost respect for (fill in the blank), that team can play.'

"These will help you in the future, Mr. James...but, this requires a total commitment on your part...What? You'll be late next week? You have a fitting for a new crown?

"Better be for a tooth, Mr. James or we have a long, long way to go..."