Why Social Media is Like Spandex

Since the sports world is pretty darn slow this time of year, I have opted to venture from my normal ramblings to share some thoughts on social media, especially as it relates to fellow baby boomers.

I believe that those of us north of 50 fall into one of the following four categories when it comes to exploring this new frontier:

1. The techno rebels who have not and will not ever "friend," "tweet," or "like" anyone or anything. And, by God, they are proud of it.
2. The digital incompetents who desperately want to become part of this nifty social phenomenon, but are woefully inept at grasping the nuances, the etiquette, and the entire concept and yet, they believe that they need to participate.
3. The prudent posters; they will compose, then edit, then ask their best friend what they think about a comment before posting or tweeting ANYTHING, they don't "friend" or "link" with just any Tom, Dick or Mary, and they hand out their "likes" as if they were a precious currency. After posting, they will anxiously check to see if anyone has bothered to read and/or comment. 
4. The overeager tweeters; they are convinced that Facebook, Linkedin, and Twitter all represent long-awaited forums in which they can now (finally!) share their insightful thoughts, witty observations, clever quotes, fabulous photos, and special links with their new-found world of loyal admirers. They have "friended" everyone from their first grade girlfriend to the guy who sacks their groceries to that weird guy who lives in that van by the river. They post something, anything everyday. Every. Freakin'. Day. 

The impact of social media changes as quickly as someone comes up with new ways of using it. We are now entertained by one another...our friends and distant contacts become the amateur writers and photographers that inform and enlighten us and the best part of about it, we can control the amount we choose to consume.  Tired of someone? De-friend 'em! Don't care to suffer through another paragraph of nonesensical, mindless blather of your cousin's never ending philosophy of life? Don't read it! And, while you're at it, de-friend her tired ass too!

Still, these digital incompetents can impact our lives, despite our calculated attempts to ignore them. 

"I'll just hit this button and
let's see what happens--..."

For example, one such hack I know decided it was time for him to jump into the Linkedin pool in a big way. The result? "Hey Dave, I got a 'link' request from this guy, 'William Ratcher (name changed to protect this nimrod),' I don't think I have ever met him, but I believe he is a friend of yours." According to his wife, "Bill" has also extended proposed "links" with his son's ex-girlfriend and some lawyer in South Carolina who she once worked with. "Bill" confided to a friend, "The only decision I made that was worse than joining Linkedin was to join Facebook." Or vice versa.

"Oh...sh--"

I cannot chastise ol' "William" too much because all of us, no matter how techno savvy we claim to be, have sent something we wish we hadn't, either by pushing the "send" button too quickly, replying to "all" inadvertently, or forwarding something that the sender had not intended for other eyes to see.

"What happens in White Castle, stays in
White Castle. Right guys? Right?"

If you have yet to experience this "pit-in-the-stomach/cold-sweat" feeling that comes when you have mistakenly launched some unguided, reckless scud missile into cyberspace for all to read, see, or hear, the sensation is similar to the one you get when you realize that the whispered comment you made at 2 am in White Castle to a few buddies about your Dad's co-worker who had left his wife for a stripper and is sitting just a few booths over was actually overheard by the co-worker's stripper girlfriend because you apparently used your Budweiser-induced-louder-than-a-whisper voice and said stripper decides to confront you. It sorta feels like that.

Granted, the whole social network system would fall apart without such deep social participation. Linkedin doesn't do me much good if the only people I can connect with are a bunch of my friends' sons' ex-girlfriends and Facebook isn't much of an attraction when the only people posting are the ones who choose to share with me that they are in the midst of yet another "fantastic day!"

So, on behalf of all digital crumudgeons, I have two requests: 

• First, figure out what the hell you are doing before you do it; use that "help" link or for God's sake, just ask somebody. If you can answer the following question, "I have a good idea what will happen when I click this button," then go right ahead and click that button.
• Second, before posting something, anything, ask yourself this, "Would anyone other than my Mother (let's assume that you are on good terms with her for this example) give a rat's ass about the comment I about to post?"

In summary, my philosophy about social networking is similar to my opinion on fashion, captured so eloquently (and succinctly) on a bumper sticker spotted a few years ago: 

"Spandex is a privilege, not a right."

Sure, why not? 

Nope