Where Have All the Superstars Gone?

I am kinda bored with sports right now.

"So, wait..you watched how
many weeks of this?"

Perhaps my perspective is too limited, but from where I sit here in rain-soaked, lightening-battered, and sauna-engulfed Chicago the general sports scene has been about as exciting to watch as an episode of "The Killing" (thank you, Bill Simmons.)

While the local weather has certainly contributed to my general sports malaise (golf course closed the entire weekend), I have tried to figure out what is missing in my sports viewing life. Why do I carry around such indifference?

They don't pay me to catch
(or hit, apparently)

Could my sports funk be attributed to the fact that the Cubs are playing like an overpriced AAA team or that the under achieving White Sox play with the energy of a drunken Gordon Lightfoot? Or maybe it is because the other prominent Chicago sports are locked up in labor disputes? Naaahhh, I'm a Cardinals fan and I don't start getting worked up over football until I can start betting on it.

My discomfort goes deeper and I think I have pinpointed the reason. There is not one athlete out there right now worthy of "appointment viewing." No one is capable of the kind of athletic dominance that causes me to stop whatever I am doing to watch what they might do next.

Fans didn't come to see Reggie bunt

I need a superstar. No, I don't have to root for the guy. I might just root against him, in fact. But I need someone to rise above his peers; someone who can do something remarkable.

Quick...who leads the major leagues in HR's? Batting average? What pitcher has the most wins? Who is the leading money leader on the PGA tour right now? Who is the world's top-ranked golfer?

And away we go!

If you answered: Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, CC Sabathia, Nick Whatney, and Luke Donald...you, my friend, need to spend less time on your fantasy teams.

Each one of these men are great athletes, no doubt, but do any of them cause you to put down your iPad, soduku book, or Thighmaster to turn up the volume when they bat, throw, or tee off? Do they  carry a cool, calm, and confident swagger about them? I doubt it...

• Bautista has played for five different teams and has a lifetime average of .254 
• Reyes is a phenom and seems destined for continued greatness, but he was a common name amidst trade deadline discussions
• CC has been one of the top five pitchers in MLB for the past five years; but the guy has a Ralph Kramden body and exudes the excitement of Milwaukee night life
• Nick Whatney has four career tour wins. Four. I bet if you asked the casual golf fan which Ryder Cup team Nick played on, maybe 40 percent would guess "Europe" because of his Brit-sounding name
• Luke Donald has a golf swing to die for; he'll win several tournaments a year in dominant fashion, and the lad can paint his ass off; and yet, his best finish in a major is a tie for 4th in the Masters

Gratuitous Minka
Kelly shot

Maybe Albert Pujols will jump into serious salary overdrive and turn his (and the Cardinals') season around; maybe Justin Verlander or Roy Halladay will go on dueling scoreless inning streaks or maybe Derek Jeter will propose to Minka Kelly. Any of them worthy of superstar status right now? Nope (although a younger Jeter certainly deserved past consideration and Miss Kelly deserves our current admiration.)

That leaves me with one, and only one, candidate: Tiger Woods. I need Tiger to come back big and soon.

I know, I know...he's a convicted "sex addict"; his divorce will cost him millions, his knee and achilles are shredded; he's on his third or fourth swing coach; most of his sponsors have dropped him like an infected lab rat; he's severed all ties with IMG; his name is linked with a performance enhancin', drug dispensin' "physician;" he fired his long-time confidant, motivational coach, and caddy, Steve Williams, who is sure to command millions for a tell-all-behind-the-scenes book; and, to make matters worse, he has grown a PBS beard...

Inspiration?

Perhaps!

Remember the feeling?

And yet, I still want the big cat back. I miss seeing the red on Sunday, the fist pumps, and the "don't 'f' with me" stare. I want that back.

Imagine what was going on within the confines of the Woods' mancave as he rehabbed his knee and watched Rory McIlroy's Sherman-like march over and through Congressional Golf Club or Darren Clarke's gutty (pun intended) ball striking around Royal St. George through the wind, rain, sleet, fog, and Guinness.

What do you think he muttered to his entourage as Phil was making his almost-epic front nine charge: "Do you think that shirt has a built-in manssier?" Or, as Phil started his all-too-predictable retreat on the back nine with a missed two-footer: "Geez...Mick! Elin could have made that putt with the 7 iron she wrapped around my skull!"

There are plenty of theories as to why he cannot catch Jack Nicklaus' majors total (18) or that he will never attain the same level of dominance when he returns:

a) He can't intimidate his opponent(s) anymore
b) His swing is a mess
c) He isn't putting like he used to and that has nothing to do with his swing
d) Tiger has lost that fire, he's too distracted and not hungry anymore; he's too soft
e) His body cannot hold up any longer

I don't know. I sure wouldn't bet against him. I believe that Tiger is one of those rare athletes with more competitive desire and will than his contemporaries. I think he can reclaim the top ranking. Maybe he won't dominate, but I believe he is more than capable of winning and winning majors.

But, then again, I am looking for a superstar...or at least someone to act like one. 

Why Social Media is Like Spandex

Since the sports world is pretty darn slow this time of year, I have opted to venture from my normal ramblings to share some thoughts on social media, especially as it relates to fellow baby boomers.

I believe that those of us north of 50 fall into one of the following four categories when it comes to exploring this new frontier:

1. The techno rebels who have not and will not ever "friend," "tweet," or "like" anyone or anything. And, by God, they are proud of it.
2. The digital incompetents who desperately want to become part of this nifty social phenomenon, but are woefully inept at grasping the nuances, the etiquette, and the entire concept and yet, they believe that they need to participate.
3. The prudent posters; they will compose, then edit, then ask their best friend what they think about a comment before posting or tweeting ANYTHING, they don't "friend" or "link" with just any Tom, Dick or Mary, and they hand out their "likes" as if they were a precious currency. After posting, they will anxiously check to see if anyone has bothered to read and/or comment. 
4. The overeager tweeters; they are convinced that Facebook, Linkedin, and Twitter all represent long-awaited forums in which they can now (finally!) share their insightful thoughts, witty observations, clever quotes, fabulous photos, and special links with their new-found world of loyal admirers. They have "friended" everyone from their first grade girlfriend to the guy who sacks their groceries to that weird guy who lives in that van by the river. They post something, anything everyday. Every. Freakin'. Day. 

The impact of social media changes as quickly as someone comes up with new ways of using it. We are now entertained by one another...our friends and distant contacts become the amateur writers and photographers that inform and enlighten us and the best part of about it, we can control the amount we choose to consume.  Tired of someone? De-friend 'em! Don't care to suffer through another paragraph of nonesensical, mindless blather of your cousin's never ending philosophy of life? Don't read it! And, while you're at it, de-friend her tired ass too!

Still, these digital incompetents can impact our lives, despite our calculated attempts to ignore them. 

"I'll just hit this button and
let's see what happens--..."

For example, one such hack I know decided it was time for him to jump into the Linkedin pool in a big way. The result? "Hey Dave, I got a 'link' request from this guy, 'William Ratcher (name changed to protect this nimrod),' I don't think I have ever met him, but I believe he is a friend of yours." According to his wife, "Bill" has also extended proposed "links" with his son's ex-girlfriend and some lawyer in South Carolina who she once worked with. "Bill" confided to a friend, "The only decision I made that was worse than joining Linkedin was to join Facebook." Or vice versa.

"Oh...sh--"

I cannot chastise ol' "William" too much because all of us, no matter how techno savvy we claim to be, have sent something we wish we hadn't, either by pushing the "send" button too quickly, replying to "all" inadvertently, or forwarding something that the sender had not intended for other eyes to see.

"What happens in White Castle, stays in
White Castle. Right guys? Right?"

If you have yet to experience this "pit-in-the-stomach/cold-sweat" feeling that comes when you have mistakenly launched some unguided, reckless scud missile into cyberspace for all to read, see, or hear, the sensation is similar to the one you get when you realize that the whispered comment you made at 2 am in White Castle to a few buddies about your Dad's co-worker who had left his wife for a stripper and is sitting just a few booths over was actually overheard by the co-worker's stripper girlfriend because you apparently used your Budweiser-induced-louder-than-a-whisper voice and said stripper decides to confront you. It sorta feels like that.

Granted, the whole social network system would fall apart without such deep social participation. Linkedin doesn't do me much good if the only people I can connect with are a bunch of my friends' sons' ex-girlfriends and Facebook isn't much of an attraction when the only people posting are the ones who choose to share with me that they are in the midst of yet another "fantastic day!"

So, on behalf of all digital crumudgeons, I have two requests: 

• First, figure out what the hell you are doing before you do it; use that "help" link or for God's sake, just ask somebody. If you can answer the following question, "I have a good idea what will happen when I click this button," then go right ahead and click that button.
• Second, before posting something, anything, ask yourself this, "Would anyone other than my Mother (let's assume that you are on good terms with her for this example) give a rat's ass about the comment I about to post?"

In summary, my philosophy about social networking is similar to my opinion on fashion, captured so eloquently (and succinctly) on a bumper sticker spotted a few years ago: 

"Spandex is a privilege, not a right."

Sure, why not? 

Nope