Where Have All the Superstars Gone?

I am kinda bored with sports right now.

"So, wait..you watched how
many weeks of this?"

Perhaps my perspective is too limited, but from where I sit here in rain-soaked, lightening-battered, and sauna-engulfed Chicago the general sports scene has been about as exciting to watch as an episode of "The Killing" (thank you, Bill Simmons.)

While the local weather has certainly contributed to my general sports malaise (golf course closed the entire weekend), I have tried to figure out what is missing in my sports viewing life. Why do I carry around such indifference?

They don't pay me to catch
(or hit, apparently)

Could my sports funk be attributed to the fact that the Cubs are playing like an overpriced AAA team or that the under achieving White Sox play with the energy of a drunken Gordon Lightfoot? Or maybe it is because the other prominent Chicago sports are locked up in labor disputes? Naaahhh, I'm a Cardinals fan and I don't start getting worked up over football until I can start betting on it.

My discomfort goes deeper and I think I have pinpointed the reason. There is not one athlete out there right now worthy of "appointment viewing." No one is capable of the kind of athletic dominance that causes me to stop whatever I am doing to watch what they might do next.

Fans didn't come to see Reggie bunt

I need a superstar. No, I don't have to root for the guy. I might just root against him, in fact. But I need someone to rise above his peers; someone who can do something remarkable.

Quick...who leads the major leagues in HR's? Batting average? What pitcher has the most wins? Who is the leading money leader on the PGA tour right now? Who is the world's top-ranked golfer?

And away we go!

If you answered: Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, CC Sabathia, Nick Whatney, and Luke Donald...you, my friend, need to spend less time on your fantasy teams.

Each one of these men are great athletes, no doubt, but do any of them cause you to put down your iPad, soduku book, or Thighmaster to turn up the volume when they bat, throw, or tee off? Do they  carry a cool, calm, and confident swagger about them? I doubt it...

• Bautista has played for five different teams and has a lifetime average of .254 
• Reyes is a phenom and seems destined for continued greatness, but he was a common name amidst trade deadline discussions
• CC has been one of the top five pitchers in MLB for the past five years; but the guy has a Ralph Kramden body and exudes the excitement of Milwaukee night life
• Nick Whatney has four career tour wins. Four. I bet if you asked the casual golf fan which Ryder Cup team Nick played on, maybe 40 percent would guess "Europe" because of his Brit-sounding name
• Luke Donald has a golf swing to die for; he'll win several tournaments a year in dominant fashion, and the lad can paint his ass off; and yet, his best finish in a major is a tie for 4th in the Masters

Gratuitous Minka
Kelly shot

Maybe Albert Pujols will jump into serious salary overdrive and turn his (and the Cardinals') season around; maybe Justin Verlander or Roy Halladay will go on dueling scoreless inning streaks or maybe Derek Jeter will propose to Minka Kelly. Any of them worthy of superstar status right now? Nope (although a younger Jeter certainly deserved past consideration and Miss Kelly deserves our current admiration.)

That leaves me with one, and only one, candidate: Tiger Woods. I need Tiger to come back big and soon.

I know, I know...he's a convicted "sex addict"; his divorce will cost him millions, his knee and achilles are shredded; he's on his third or fourth swing coach; most of his sponsors have dropped him like an infected lab rat; he's severed all ties with IMG; his name is linked with a performance enhancin', drug dispensin' "physician;" he fired his long-time confidant, motivational coach, and caddy, Steve Williams, who is sure to command millions for a tell-all-behind-the-scenes book; and, to make matters worse, he has grown a PBS beard...

Inspiration?

Perhaps!

Remember the feeling?

And yet, I still want the big cat back. I miss seeing the red on Sunday, the fist pumps, and the "don't 'f' with me" stare. I want that back.

Imagine what was going on within the confines of the Woods' mancave as he rehabbed his knee and watched Rory McIlroy's Sherman-like march over and through Congressional Golf Club or Darren Clarke's gutty (pun intended) ball striking around Royal St. George through the wind, rain, sleet, fog, and Guinness.

What do you think he muttered to his entourage as Phil was making his almost-epic front nine charge: "Do you think that shirt has a built-in manssier?" Or, as Phil started his all-too-predictable retreat on the back nine with a missed two-footer: "Geez...Mick! Elin could have made that putt with the 7 iron she wrapped around my skull!"

There are plenty of theories as to why he cannot catch Jack Nicklaus' majors total (18) or that he will never attain the same level of dominance when he returns:

a) He can't intimidate his opponent(s) anymore
b) His swing is a mess
c) He isn't putting like he used to and that has nothing to do with his swing
d) Tiger has lost that fire, he's too distracted and not hungry anymore; he's too soft
e) His body cannot hold up any longer

I don't know. I sure wouldn't bet against him. I believe that Tiger is one of those rare athletes with more competitive desire and will than his contemporaries. I think he can reclaim the top ranking. Maybe he won't dominate, but I believe he is more than capable of winning and winning majors.

But, then again, I am looking for a superstar...or at least someone to act like one.