Pennant Races, Juvenile Advice, The Hangover II

Out of it by June 1? 


There was an article in the WSJ that observed how Major League Baseball teams with records below .500 at the opening of June have little/no chance of making it to the post-season. Of course, most Cub fans have resigned themselves to a baseball-less October by mid-May and if you live in Pittsburgh, you've already started the countdown to the Steelers' opener (Wha-...there's a strike? For the love of God, you're not going to take that away from us are you?)

Hey, at least we came to a Pirate game

I suspect that this kind of publicized report will send collective shivers down the owners' collective spineless spines. "Who will come to our games in July if we are out of it by June?" they will ask one another.

Their solution? I am willing to bet that they will use a strategy originally adopted by pre-K soccer moms who couldn't bear to watch their little angels suffer through the indignity of a 1-11 season without a little somethin' for the effort besides a polyester mesh jersey and a year-end Chuck E. Cheese party.

My child is no loser!

These thoughtful mothers came up with the "Everyone Gets a Trophy" plan so that their offspring wouldn't have to face the cruelty of losing during these formative years.

This strategy was later adopted by the NHL and the NBA when owners couldn't bear to see their millionaire players and significantly invested fans suffer through the indignity of cold, cruel winter nights without the chance of participating in truly meaningful (and more profitable) playoff games.

"So you're telling me that there's a chance?!"

Over half of the teams in both these leagues (16 of the 30 teams) manage to squeeze into the post-season competition...leaving the other half to go home without a ribbon, a "participation" certificate, or even a juice box (aka: "losers.")


The stingiest league is MLB, where only a quarter of the teams qualify (8 of 30); after that, it is the NFL, which allows over a third (12 of 32) into post-season play. My hope is that the baseball owners keep some integrity to the regular season so that the teams mired in 5th place by late July don't get some Wilder Wild Card reprieve that strings along their fans even further into the season, forcing them to waste their summers and money on sucky teams that would inevitably get waxed in the playoffs.


Fans can force ownership to take action by their indifference. Sadly, I am afraid that if playoff teams are added without eliminating any regular season, we'll be watching baseball in parkas, ski caps, and gloves...just like we did a couple of days ago.

Why is it that someone who has some simple theory of business success finds it analogous to something his/her kid would do or say...and then they need to share it with the world?

You've seen these columns/blogs/books; enlightened executives will stumble upon the ultimate sales advice or negotiating skill one morning as he happened to stop and listen to his child's gifted ramblings between milk-deprived tantrums.

"What my two-year-old son taught me about closing more deals" or "Everything I need to know about trading the Euro I learned from my twins"...stuff like that. Typically, the author presents the insight as if he has finally solved a problem so complex and intricate that the sharpest of men and women will stop and observe, "Why, that little tyke had it right all along! Why didn't I think of that? I get it now!"

While this juvenile advice may work in business, I have yet to see this kind of crafty insight creep into the world of golf analysis, "What that whining, crying, sniffling, gurgling, toddler can teach you about sand saves" or "How listening to my teenage daughter for 20 minutes a night added 10 yards to my drives." Now those I'd read.

Hey moron, swing slower and keep your head still

Hey, did you know that Hangover II is opening this weekend?

No really, there's a sequel! I kid you not...

I must have seen ten different versions of this preview a total of 50 times. This spot runs at least once during every sporting event that has occurred over the past month. Maybe I am watching too much sports on TV??? Hmm...wonder who the target market is for this film?

I have to admit that I have stopped the DVR a few times to catch that screaming monkey ("Joni...What are you doing!? Stop your fast forwarding, watch this! Check out Ed Helm's tat and just look at that monkey. Crazy stuff.")

And yes, I might just go see it this weekend.

We're baaack...

My Spring Baseball Soap Box

Given that organized baseball teams are expected to either turn an enormous profit (NY Yankees), break even (Little League), or pay off ill advised Ponzi-schemed investments (NY Mets), I am baffled by the decisions made from a seemingly intelligent commissioner and his business-minded owners. For example...

Why are any baseball games scheduled in domeless stadiums north of the Mason-Dixon line during the first two weeks of April?

NEWS FLASH: Chicago weather is predominantly cold, frigid, and to use a meteorologist's term, "crappy" throughout most of this month. The rocket scientists with MLB have the Cubs playing 15 home games in April...more than those scheduled for June (11) or July (13)...two of the three months we allow our kids to wander outdoors without a coat, ear muffs, and/or gloves.

Couldn't owners like Mr. Ricketts work out a swap with his Diamondback and Marlin brethren?

"OK fellas, how 'bout we take six of those games you were going to play up here in Siberia when, by the way, I can't get a crowd big enough to collectively drink an entire keg of beer, and stage them in 75 degree, low humidity, sunny weather?"

I know, it makes too much sense. This will mean six less mid-summer dates...when the only dopes in these locales who dare sneak outside are either getting chased by immigration officials or desperate competitors in "The Biggest Loser."

Why is professional baseball attendance down so far this year?

Open note to Mr. Bud Selig,

Let me say first off that I love the game. I really do. There is no better sport on earth to watch when played well. I get the tradition and romance associated with baseball, but some changes are in order to attract a few more fans to the games right now...

#1: The weather is too freakin' cold in many stadiums (addressed above)
#2: The average game takes longer to finish than a tax return

#3: Unless you are a single, dieting, AA member or on an expense account, it costs more to take a family of four to a Major League baseball game than it does to lease a car for a month. Oh and Bud, there is still a recession going on.
#4: The season doesn't finish until Halloween and by that time, point #1 kicks into effect all over again

Solutions...

#1: I addressed this in my first soap box discussion
#2: Umpires should actually enforce the expanded strike zone, put pitchers on the clock between pitches and put teams on the clock between innings. Managers should get one, maybe two, trips to the mound for an entire game. Batters should not be allowed to step out of the box more than once an at bat. There, I just saved you about 20 minutes per game.
#3 Owners should create more innovative price plans; maybe even embrace a Priceline-like approach to unload unsold tickets. Finally, owners need to reduce the number of regular season games by at least six. No one will miss 'em. No one.
#4: per #3, start playoffs at least one week earlier

#All of points above: get media professionals like Erin Andrews reporting on the field on a more regular basis (especially in warm weather) to investigate and discuss the strategic nuances of the game. In fact, now that the Jets dumped her, can't we find a place for Jenn Sterger in baseball?